Emotional Dependence is nothing more than dependence, mainly of a sentimental nature, whose fundamental characteristic is the expression of interdependence in relationships. This interdependence, in turn, is established from the development of a bond between two people, where each constantly influences the life of the other, managing to disturb the dynamics of the relationship and, consequently, the well-being of each individual. One of the definitions of emotional dependence is that it constitutes a mode of relationship where a person does not feel able to function without being present and supported by another person, so he permanently seeks to be approved and recognized by this, getting with this feeling inferior and insecure. In summary, this dependence can be understood as an uncontrollable affective lack of another person (usually a partner), very similar to what happens with a drug addict with his dose.
Surely many of us have had, at some point in our lives, interpersonal relationships where discomfort, discomfort or conflict have originated. This is why these bonds are usually called "toxic relationships," as they reach a destructive point when they occur.
The social support an individual receives depends on interpersonal ties. This has an impact on their mental, emotional and physical health, so those who receive good social support, especially from their partner, are very likely to recover more quickly from a heart attack, for example. In fact, several studies have shown a strong connection between symptom reduction and social support, considering it essential for psychological well-being.
Something unique happens with emotional dependence: the more importance we give to our relationships, especially couples, the greater the probability of falling into a colossal dependence and, therefore, dysfunctional.
According to research, two types of dependence can be cited: instrumental in nature and emotional in nature. Instrumental dependence occurs when there are no own initiatives and there is a conflict in decision-making. On the other hand, emotional dependence implies an excessive demand for affection and an unstable couple bond, together with idealization and submission to the other, an aspect that can become pathological.
Causes and origin
Generally, the literature has established that the origin of dependency lies in childhood, since each person is born with a certain disposition to attachment, and developing it later will depend on what they experience with their first attachment figures. Other studies refer that dependency can originate in other stages of life such as the end of adolescence and the beginning of youth, the period when interest in couples begins.
One of the causes of this phenomenon can be found in a low self-esteem, since the person tends to constantly devalue himself, to feel inferior, to belittle himself and even to blame himself. Another important cause is the fear of being alone. Many people become dependent on others just because they don't face loneliness, so they often don't give importance to who they have by their side or measure their quality as a human being, therefore, neither the quality of the relationship, and so on. they pass from couple to couple. Negative mood also plays a role, almost always reflected by depression or anxiety.
How to identify if we are emotionally dependent on another person?
Usually, a person with emotional dependency reflects anguish and an exacerbated fear of separating from the person who becomes the object of their dependency, since they do not conceive of themselves as someone happy or manage to please themselves if it is not through the other. In the same way, he develops an obsession and permanent fixation with the person on whom he depends, seeking a permanent contact with him to know where and with whom he meets, although he also seeks to please him all the time, expressing excessive love to him.
On the other hand, the emotionally dependent person begins to idealize the partner in such a way that he does not see any defect in him, believing that there is no one better, that he does not commit faults, etc., for which reason he even overvalues him and puts him down. above him. In addition, dependency may also appear reflected through other types of dependencies such as economic and domestic.
Some investigations have reported that, on occasions, in men, dependence is manifested through expressions of contempt for the other person, or through aggressive behavior.
In the case of females, they mostly use avoidance, frequently linked to denial or self-deception, leading to behaviors of pretense, obstinacy, manipulation, appearance and vagueness in communication, etc., and stimulating, in turn, a distorted reality.
What are the consequences of emotional dependence?
Among the numerous effects that emotional dependence brings, the following can be distinguished:
· Feelings of negativity. This means that those who are dependent tend to feel bad, even when they recognize that the relationship is not pleasant, however, they are not able to break this cycle, which generally leads to feeling much worse.
· Eagerness to receive affection. This is related to supporting, consenting to and justifying the other, even if the other has unfavorable and unpleasant behaviors, sometimes even inconsideration and violence, but for the dependent "everything is permissible".
· Insatiable search for new partners. Who is usually emotionally dependent will look for a new livelihood to help them get out of their current partner or simply start a new relationship.
· Deterioration in energy. • Possessiveness. Some emotionally dependent individuals tend to look for other people with a strong character, generally dominant, absorbing, authoritarian, arrogant and sometimes even with a psychological profile tending towards egocentrism and narcissism. And it is that they are attracted to difficult people, who use coldness, not very accessible and very little affectionate.
· Predilection for asymmetric links. This means that they are relationships based on submission and even humiliation, imbalance, where the emotional dependent functions as the submissive person. In this way, regularly the person who depends on the other in an emotional sense decisively assumes that he is inferior to his partner.
· Break with the family circle and friends. The type of dependent couple ties is usually surrounded by an environment where they begin to insinuate, especially to the dependent, that their relationship is not ideal. However, since he does not usually pay attention to these comments, it is when a series of oppositions, fights, etc. begin to exist. Frequently, the dependent wants others to agree with the idea that their partner is superior and to praise and respect them, but this is nothing more than a reason for the conflicts to persist.
· Sick altruism. The dependent individual begins to put aside their commitments and activities at the work, social and recreational level, since their purpose is to dedicate enough time to their spouse and thus give them priority, pleasing them in everything possible. Therefore, your partner becomes the center of your attention and you will prioritize them above all else. Loss of social skills. With all the attention that the dependent person pays to their partner, they put their other social ties aside, having difficulties to perform in this sense, so their social skills diminish considerably.
How do we avoid emotional dependency?
What is most recommended to avoid incurring emotional dependence is to work on self-knowledge and self-esteem and strengths. This, without a doubt, will make affective bonds much healthier, both with ourselves and with others. To do? If we realize that we are having a relationship of emotional dependency, one of the alternatives is to go to psychological therapy, with the aim of knowing all the aspects of the situation, examining it and emotionally detaching from the couple. As with addictions, the first thing is that whoever is affected recognizes that there is a problem and seeks a solution. This is the most difficult, because the emotionally dependent will always find various justifications for their behavior.
How to end emotional dependency?
- Recognize the existence of a problem.
- Learn to say “no”.
- Work on self-esteem.
- Learn to be well in solitude.
- Question our own beliefs.
- Feed your social life.
- Seek psychological help.
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