The term "gaslight" refers to an individual's attempt to cause another person to doubt their own judgment or reason. To do this, the manipulator generally discredits what the person perceives, manipulating them through the use of certain psychological mechanisms and asking them questions about their sanity.
The expression gaslight has been popularly used to define what in clinical psychology is called “disqualification.” The term arises from the play of the same name, from 1938, where the husband tries to drive his wife crazy by dimming the gas lights in their house, and then denies what his wife perceives that those lights change.
A person who is being gaslighted often begins to feel confused, uncomfortable, or simply senses that something is not right, but does not understand what. In psychology, this phenomenon is known as ambivalence, which generates uncertainty and rejection. Generally, this person begins to doubt themselves, because, no matter what they say, they will be dismissed by whoever is gaslighting them. This is passive-aggressive violence, which is why it is sometimes called “subtle psychological abuse” given its form.
On the other hand, those who are victims of “gaslighting” can suffer not only confusion, but also depression, stress, anxiety and loss of self-esteem, suffering what we call real brainwashing, convincing themselves of being completely incompetent in all areas of their lives.
What happens when the person who exerts “gaslight” becomes more important in the life of his victim?
The victim will begin to perceive that what previously made them different and felt they were doing well, is now questioned by their manipulator. This is much better reflected in the following examples:
- The manipulator will make his victim feel clumsy, immature and childish.
- He will tell you things like: "You don't understand things and you are not focused well”.
- The manipulator will try to make his victim believe that he/she does not have enough skills for something.
- Use phrases like “you don't know what you're doing, you're too stressed to do it.”
- If the gaslight victim expresses a need to the manipulator, he will tell her that is not what she really needs.
- The manipulator will reiterate that the victim has a bad memory and that certain events are not the way she believes or never happened.
It should be considered that the gaslighter does not use physical violence, although he does use emotional violence, through very subtle techniques. His behavior will always be appropriate, however, his victim perceives a lot of disorientation and discomfort. This is because the victim receives manipulative treatment disguised as affection. An example of this are comments disguised as affection that cause pain to the victim: “what's happening to you, my love, is that you are extremely sensitive,” “you don't see how clumsy you are, but I find that adorable in you.”
The gaslighter is also usually kind to make the other person dependent, adopting a warm and even paternalistic treatment, and the objective is to make the victim think that it is not possible for them to do something without them. That's why he usually tells him that there is no one who understands him better. Then, use phrases like: "dear, I know what you think, it can be seen in your face". With this he makes her see that he knows her perfectly, even if that is not the case. What he seeks is to manipulate what he perceives, and his emotions. For these reasons, the victim begins to think that she is always to blame for everything.
This phenomenon generally is manifested in relationships between couples, and the victim is almost always the woman, although men can also suffer from it.
It is also important to know that the manipulator will always try to make the victim believe that she is the cause of any problem. For example, he passes the responsibility to his victim for any mistakes.
The manipulator also tries to make it look like he is not being happy. He will frequently victimize himself. He will tell the victim that only she has problems, and that this has never happened to him before. He will tell her that she probably has some mental problem, and that is the reason why everything is going wrong.
All of this will make the gaslight victim feel more and more alone, since the manipulator isolates her from friends and family, because everything has to revolve around him. For example, he insists that he should not be dependent on his family; He pretends to be the only person who understands him; manifests contempt for other people in his life; He criticizes his friends, commenting that they do not suit him and are false.
Furthermore, the victim will begin to criticize themselves without knowing the reasons. Self-esteem is greatly affected and is another indicator of suffering from gaslighting. This creates a distorted opinion in the victim about himself, not recognizing his strengths or virtues. For example, the victim will tend to devalue and criticize himself more frequently, he will apologize constantly.
Sometimes, the victims will also question what they used to do well, their skills, feeling insecure about their way of being and acting. The manipulator will psychologically drain this person's energy, causing them to feel very tired, making them feel ashamed and not liking the person they are becoming.
How to act if you think you are being a victim of “gaslighting”?
According to a book titled: “Gaslighting: recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people and break free”, by the author Stephanie Moulton, there are some strategies to identify this abuse and act to confront it, for example:
- Be independent. Keep in mind that we are human beings with autonomy, and that no one should take that away from us for any reason or make us doubt ourselves or our particular criteria as a person. Put your decision-making and self-care skills into practice.
- You can keep a diary where you can write down the conversations and events you are experiencing, which will allow you not to doubt your perceptions. This way you will be able to confront the gaslighter's strategies.
- Seek support, avoiding isolation from family and friends, even trying to share with them what is happening to you to obtain other criteria about it.
- Identify your emotions by monitoring your mood. You must distance yourself from the manipulator if you begin to feel that your self-esteem is being increasingly damaged.
- Search for sources of information on the topic and learn about this type of manipulation so that you can recognize it.
- Set your own limits if you notice any manipulation, do not remain passive in the face of it, do not allow it. You must properly express your needs and demand the necessary changes so that these dynamics do not become repetitive.
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